What a way to start your day… Awake at 3 am or a little before. Awaken to use the powder room. Not fun to try to move and charlie horses embark in BOTH calf’s! Oye, oyvay!!!!!!!!! Trying not to scream or cry to loud… I am up and moving slow… Trying to move I should say…
I love the quiet! To bad that the wood floors creek, the beautiful candle I lit is crackling. The wheelchair creeks when moving. The cats paw clicks as she walks back and forth…Click…Click…Click, then thump, thump, thump down the stairs… Laptop is noisy… Clicking of the mouse… Holy mother of this loving God.. I am grateful to be alive and well- (well) Am I well? My memory fails over and over, my knees are in shambles, my muscles hurt- yeah all of them! Even the heart- Sadness and overwhelm sucks… Yes depression is debilitating to say the least! When your body doesn’t work well and the mind is scrambled a bit on and off you are at your wits end some days, or some hours of EVERY day! Some days like these I am experiencing I wonder if life is worth living! Then I think to myself, pull yourself together, it’s not that bad… some have it worse or struggle more… and they belly ache just the same. I think, huh, try my struggles a day or two and you will thank the lucky stars you are not ME! Then I think yeah girl, do the same… I watched a video of a man who was a paraplegic- from the waist down. It was eye opening… sad and I cried for him! What he deals with on a daily basis- from the moment he wakes up to the time he goes to bed and with all the challenges from moment to moment STRUGGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally understand and maybe not on his level but Struggle is Struggle no matter in what way, shape or form! Everyone experiences it sometimes or a lot. I think, hey do you want to try my struggles on for a day???? You would stop thinking You have it so bad! ANDDDDD that gentleman is probably thinking the same- like he said in his video…. “Oh what a bad start of your day when your starbucks order is not right and you got the wrong latte in your bag!!” How about you wake up shitting yourself with no control what- so-ever, urine everywhere, no control!!! Paraplegic- NO FEELING, NO CONTROL of your bowls same as bladder. That puts life for me in perspective and I am complaining and having pity parties because my legs hurt and I can’t walk or move good some days and my memory is a hit or miss some days beyond other challenges I have on daily basis.
GET over yourself girl! Get up, Get Dressed, Get moving… move…move…move! Or take a day when needed to just rest and try to be comfortable as possible when able to… Never an easy day I feel lately and It wasn’t always this bad it seems but I think I feel this way right now because I am in the thick of it! Not sure but I feel like life sucks! Then hey, wait one god damn minute…..
I am alive, I have love in my life, a beautiful Husband with a home with beautiful fur babies! I have a few good friends who give a shit! I have so many things to be grateful for! I have food in my home, a vehicle even though I can not drive yet. So many great things that make me so very happy…. even though I have moments from time to time that I want to die… I am not suicidal, just real raw feelings! This knee problem. legs problem is wrecking me so to speak… I need a 2 knee replacements they say but I am fighting that thought and it is a very big deal! This pain, these decisions. Fuck, I was doing so good then boom! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!! Another NEW Struggle! Lord, I have enough struggles and now one more to add on and the snowball affect starts! Ughhh… Sitting and not being up on my feet SUCK! It is awful. You wouldn’t understand unless you were in my shoes. My head in my hands with to many tears! I ask the god lord for some healing, so I can help heal others. Yes, I am on a journey and I will not give up but man I am tired of the fight some days and I ask for the energy to do good for myself and others around me. Stop worrying and wondering why some don’t reach out. Being disabled is a very lonely place most of the time.. but hey time is what it is and hopefully I have a lot left to make a difference in other lives… give back to who is in need. Try and try again, and keep fighting… and that goes for you too… Back to bed I go and try once again! Love and gratefulness signing off… Until next time sending out much love!
